so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
