Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
