Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
