I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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