It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
