I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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