For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
