I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
