btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I could fuck to npr.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
