why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
