I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
