you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
