Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
