My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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