Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
