i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
