She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
