Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
