I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
