Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
