u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
