you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
