Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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