i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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