For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
