That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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