Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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