So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
