Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
