I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
