woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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