Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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