"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
