At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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