Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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