So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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