fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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