Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
