"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
