At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
