My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
