If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
