You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
