i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
