I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
