I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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