I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
