the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
