im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i think i just lost a toe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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