Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
