We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
